Kimberly Key

A Quick Guide to Understanding and Treating the Three Types of Trauma

Trauma has become a popularly used word. So much so that many have questioned if it has been overused. David Brooks recently opined the same sentiment in The New York Times entitled, “Hey, America, Grow Up!” To alleviate confusion, this article provides an explanation of the three main types of trauma and the very real health impacts, along with some suggestions for treatment.

Trauma at a Glance

Acute Trauma -  You’ve been in an accident, explosion, natural or manmade disaster, assault, and/or witnessed a death(s). The jolt is so severe that it knocks out memory and leaves you in a state of shock.

Chronic Stress Induced Trauma - You’ve encountered multiple severe stressors and traumatic exposures, yet no memory was lost. The stressors add-up and your former coping skills are not working. This is a danger zone for adopting maladaptive coping methods like addiction and anger outbursts—and rupturing immune defenses which lead to disease.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - PTSD can result from acute trauma exposure and chronic stress induced trauma. It can also be a latent condition that stems from childhood maltreatment. Some conditions and experiences can be triggering and pull a person back in time to the original trauma. Or a person can re-enact aspects of the trauma.

Trauma and Disease

Stress & Trauma Rewire the Brain - Living in hypervigilance, anxiety, fear, and depression are common with trauma and chronic stress exposures. Decision-making is altered and the person is living in a constant state of threat and reacting from a fight-flight-or freeze response.

Alteration Occur at the DNA level -  The complex reactions to chronic stress and trauma exposure can turn on DNA while up-regulating and down-regulating DNA and neural activity in negative ways. Some of these include behavioral (like being more prone to addiction, isolation, and altered cognitions) and others can activate disease.

A Defeated Immune System - Chronic stress and trauma can shove the immune system into overdrive and disrepair. The result is chronic inflammation and an open door to viruses, infections, and diseases.

Treating Trauma

See a Therapist Trained in Trauma Treatment - While it would be nice to see a therapist, a therapist trained in trauma treatment understands the impact a listener can have when a person is recounting their trauma. The key is for each person to purposely relax their muscles like wet noodles when listening and when recounting a story. This can help to avoid re-traumatization and the inadvertent reinforcement of fear pathways through mirror neurons.

Exercises to Do at Home – Journal about the grief in your own handwriting. You can also write a story about the experience to process the feelings. Creating art can also be powerful. Meditation and yoga can also help. All of these activities are particularly powerful as they help access and balance nervous system responses that run counter to the fight, flight, or freeze response of the sympathetic nervous system.

Recipe for Heart Meditations – As you sit and take slow deep breaths in and out, try to access the energy of your heart and feel it open. Fill it with warmth and compassion and let that energy feeling expand and encircle your whole body. Focus on compassion and gratitude for every cell in your body with each breath. After a while, you can expand the feelings of compassion and gratitude for your loved ones, community, and the world around you.

Sharing Solutions for Chronic Pain and Addiction

Those close to me know that many surgeons recommended spinal fusion after my granite injury (when two slabs of granite fell on me at a granite yard). I have resisted the fusion. Many know I have a strong faith and meditation practice and actually experienced a "white light miracle" that left me pain free for months. But then I had a couple of falls that seemed to exacerbate everything. (Two steps forward, three steps back.)

Ironically, I recently completed a doctoral dissertation on sacred healing as a health psychologist (in addition to my prior work in trauma and grief and graduate degrees in counseling & educational psychology and marriage and family therapy). Thus, I know a lot about systemic interactions, the mind and body connection, and how feelings can manifest as illness in the body; and also how adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and trauma can exacerbate our nervous system's response to stress. Still, all my knowledge has not prevented my own chronic pain and stress responses. Worse, my resistance to surgery has felt like a whisper against a tsunami of well-meaning friends and doctors who advise to do the surgery. One woman said I was being too sensitive while another keeps asking, “Have you fixed your back yet?” (That is why I rarely discuss it or post about it.)

Social learning theory helps to explain that we learn from (and are influenced by) the people around us. Thus, it can be difficult to resist surgery when physicians and friends recommend doing complicated surgery. Surely doctors are the experts and pain can be fixed. Yet not always. There is increasing research that many of these surgeries can be avoided - even when magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) shows spinal problems. Moreover, many chronic pain sufferers have been helped by retraining their nervous systems through a combination of methods guided by a biopsychosocial model. I'm sharing this article about back pain by Curable, yet the Curable app has so much more for people who suffer from all types of chronic pain. They also have a free podcast called, "Like Mind. Like Body" I cannot recommend it enough. It is so inspiring. People of all walks of life and expertise (including physicians) describe how chronic pain made their world small and how they recovered (without more surgery or medications). One woman said it was like AA for chronic pain.

I am so excited about discovering Curable that I have signed up as both a client and a practitioner. I still meditate, bless my chakras, and seek heart coherence (like Joe Dispenza describes), yet the support and validation of others that Curable provides is huge. It's more than meditation and resonates with my scientific training. I'm so grateful to see this in my lifetime, especially in this continuing opioid crisis. We need more than a pill or quick surgical fix (which often doesn't work or is only a temporary fix at best, sometimes resulting in even greater injuries).

Please note, this is not to say that surgery does not help. Many surgeries are essential, yet some may not be as warranted as we thought. The major point is that we need better ways to heal our pain with or without surgery. Curable also indicates that we all find our own path as no two paths may look exactly alike. It is very empowering, and I love how the co-founder (Laura Seago) says, “You are the CEO of your healing journey.”

Finally, opioids are not the only thing people in pain seek. Many resort to alcohol. Alcohol has a long history of abuse for people in chronic pain and those with trauma and ACEs. A painful and tragic example can be viewed in the documentary, “My Name was Bette,” about a retired nurse who died from extreme alcoholism. I highly recommend everyone take the time to see it. Not only did she experience ACEs, I think it is interesting that she fell down the stairs and broke her back and resorted to whisky when she could not get her prescriptions. In a qualitative study I conducted on women in chronic pain who had a history of alcoholism, I found repeated stories about surgical complications and alcohol abuse and repeated relapses. Only one woman maintained her sobriety and said she heavily relied on the support she received from 12-step groups. Thus, Curable may be an additional tool that can be effectively combined with recovery groups. If you are struggling with addiction, you can call the toll-free Alcoholics Anonymous line at 1-800-839-1686 or find a meeting near you at https://alcoholicsanonymous.com/find-a-meeting/. The Narcotics Anonymous toll-free line is 1-800-407-7195 and meetings can be found at https://www.narcotics.com/na-meetings/. Or you can also check out Smart Recovery at https://www.smartrecovery.org/

Dangers of Ashwagandha and Other Supplements

If you are a supplement junkie like me, then you will be as startled as I was by the latest research that revealed liver damage from ashwagandha.  Lubarska et al. published findings in March of this year in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health about risks of ashwagandha on the liver, which included a description of young 23 year old being hospitalized with jaundice from liver damage. (Jaundice is the yellowing side effect from excess bilirubin that can occur when the liver is not properly functioning). His liver damage was caused by ashwagandha, a popular Ayurvedic supplement that promotes calmness and has been used to treat anxiety, Parkinson's disease, arthritis, and other neurological conditions. 

The authors cited other research that revealed the risks of other popular supplements like Kava, Garcinia Cambogia, and green tea extracts. Meanwhile other researchers discussed toxicity from camphor, eucalyptus, valerian root, "G-herbs" (ginger, garlic, gingko), licorice, willow bark, pennyroyal oil, and others (Phua et al., 2009). Moreover, they pointed out that many vitamins and supplements can contain dangerous heavy metals, pesticides, and other contaminants.

Please remember, toxins can be digested but can also be absorbed into the skin and through inhalation. Thus, check the ingredients and quality of your topicals, essential oils and vaporizors.  In our modern society that overly focuses on looks and youth, it is easy to fall prey to the lure of supplements and herbs that promise weight loss, longevity, and even wellness. While we do fare better on a whole foods diet with proper nutritional supplementation, we need to advocate for ourselves and be cautious consumers. Please also share what nutritional supplements you are taking with your healthcare team and pharmacist to ensure that your supplements do not have adverse reactions with your medications and/or health conditions.

References

Lubarska, M., Hałasiński, P., Hryhorowicz, S., Mahadea, D. S., Łykowska-Szuber, L., Eder, P., Dobrowolska, A., & Krela-Kaźmierczak, I. (2023). Liver Dangers of Herbal Products: A Case Report of Ashwagandha-Induced Liver Injury. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(5), 3921. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20053921

 

Phua, D. H., Zosel, A., & Heard, K. (2009). Dietary supplements and herbal medicine toxicities—When to anticipate them and how to manage them. International Journal of Emergency Medicine, 2(2), 69–76. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12245-009-0105-z

 

Honoring Traumatized Families this Memorial Day

As we grieve fallen soldiers on this Memorial Day, I would like to dedicate this post to people everywhere who have a family history that was touched by war.

Some may not realize the roots of Memorial Day stem from the tradition of decorating graves from the Civil War (Decoration Day), a war that almost tore the country apart. Considering the upheaval and conflict in the country, it is fitting to remember the Civil War disaster and what it took to unite people and ensure freedom along with remembering similar themes from subsequent world wars. As Goethe said, “He who cannot draw on three thousand years is living hand to mouth.”

Ideally, remembering would be enough yet history often repeats itself—and the colloquial definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again while expecting different results. Why is remembering not enough?

As a therapist—and veteran, military brat, and descendant of WW II traumatized survivors—I have studied and long been fascinated by the generational transmission of trauma and grief from war that has transformed people and families in unknown ways. In fact, I think a lot of family conflict, abuse, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse stems from traumas from the wars that scarred our ancestors.

When left unprocessed (which was common for centuries and still is, especially among military personnel), grief and trauma can come out as abuse, detachment (emotionally shutting down), unconscious fear, and escapism (through substances, workaholism, excess screen time, etc.). Moreover, sometimes some family members tend to hold the excess emotions that other family members have discarded while others may become the rebellious scapegoats. Thus, each particular family member unconsciously plays out a familiar role that has been echoed in previous generations. Doing a family genogram—a type of family tree that documents relationships, careers, and psychological patterns—can eerily reveal how entrenched roles are recycled through the generations. The good news is that patterns can be changed.

While a therapist might work with an individual and family on genograms and processing grief and trauma in their lives and from those inherited by previous generations, it is not new. Many indigenous cultures have had a strong relationship with their ancestors and practice ancestral healing. They do not try to discard where they came from. Instead, they hold reverence and respect and offer prayers and rituals to earlier family members in the belief that ancestral pain may be a cause of one’s current pain.

With that shared, I am not sure how many people in America know their ancestral history. I take note that this day is often celebrated with festive barbeques, echoing that people have forgotten and perhaps that they don’t want to look closer. Perhaps forgetting represents the detachment and numbing effect of prior trauma. “Why look back when you can keep moving forward?”

My answer is that looking back and understanding can facilitate forgiveness and associated peace and compassion. Looking back can foster empathy and allow one to release old wounds stored in the DNA and inherited neural programming. Looking back can also reveal some heroes, role models, and powerful lessons. Looking back can empower your future and future generations, especially when you share lessons from your family history with your children.

For me, looking back helped me understand how my paternal grandfather was traumatized by WWII and his time on the USS Indianapolis (which was referenced in the movie, “Jaws” and famous because it was torpedoed and 576 men were eaten by sharks until the remaining 316 people were rescued four days later). My grandparents had a terrible divorce which scarred my mother in many unfathomable ways that led her to acting out in my childhood. Meanwhile, my father’s parents were prisoners of war and I grew up hearing abhorrent stories from my grandfather while my grandmother passed somewhat young from cancer on my father’s birthday.

Here is the takeaway. I was in a foster home for a short time because my parents were charged with child abuse. I know this deeply affected my brother and sister—and their children who faced similar and most likely worse experiences. I am horrified and saddened to have witnessed this. I do not share this in any way to dishonor my family. It took a lifetime for me to process and heal from these wounds and to be able to admit some of these secret parts of my upbringing. I deeply love my family and ache that deep wounds have repeated themselves. I sit in meditation and prayer for them daily and also try to practice ancestral healing. I do not blame anyone in my family. I do blame wars though. That is why I dedicate this post to the families on this Memorial Day as I think there are more losses than we realize. I hope this inspires reflection and healing for others.

The Vicious Cycle between Abuse and Memory

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Memory is freedom. Consider the recent movie, I Care a Lot, where a woman creates a successful legal guardian company that cons courts into believing senior citizens are senile and unfit to care for themselves so that she can swindle their life savings. Or the classic movie, Gaslight, where a husband questions his wife’s memory and purposely moves items and dims the gaslight to the point that she questions her sanity and agrees to going to a mental hospital (giving him the opportunity to steal her family jewels). Both movie examples show how people have been successfully manipulated by having their memory called into question.

In looking at memory, it might help to realize there are multiple layers of memory that involve different parts and processes in the brain (and sensory system). Many people are familiar with the broad categorization of memory as long-term memory and short-term memory. In long-term memory, there is declarative versus non-declarative memory. (It might help to imagine Scarlett O’ Hara saying, “I do declare.”_

In declarative memory, a person can describe their experiences. This is where facts and information can be learned along with the ability to answer “what” questions and is stored in the media temporal lobe (MTL) neocortex (after going through a few areas of brain because the brain is a complicated web of processes). The hippocampal (seahorse looking part of the brain) involved in this process is often an area that receives the greatest degradation in Alzheimer’s Disease (AD), which may explain how getting lost and losing other details is one of the early symptoms of AD. Interestingly, victims of long-term abuse—like gaslighting manipulation and other forms of abuse—have also been shown to have deterioration to the hippocampus. This is why getting out of abusive situations is critical and why abusive parenting, abusive partners, abusive workplaces, and abusive coping mechanisms have been shown to decrease lifespans, increase diseases, decrease immunity, and decrease resilience.

Declarative memory can be further categorized into episodic memory, which allows the recall of life events and their time and place, and semantic memories, which account for the crystallized knowledge of information, rules, and processes without necessarily remembering where or when it was learned. Interestingly, significant memory deficits were found in chronic alcoholics who tended to display disordered memories of recent events. Sergei Korsakoff found one of the dangerous effects of deleterious alcohol use resulted in critical thiamine deficiency which damaged the nerve cells, parts of the brain, and spinal cord. Korsakoff Syndrome, named after Sergei, has symptoms that involve amnesia, tremors, coma, disorientation, and vision problems, along with impacts to short and long term memory.

Sadly, there is a vicious cycle between abuse and memory impacts. For instance, many children of active alcoholics experienced higher rates of abuse and went on to adopt risky behaviors, like alcohol and drug abuse that harms memory. Of those that didn’t succumb to maladaptive drinking and drugging, many have had higher rates of anxiety, depression, abusive relationships, and career instability. Some children may have developed full blown personality disorders like borderline personality disorder (BPD) (which is marked by brain alterations and symptoms of increased emotional reactivity and heightened mood shifts, excessive fear of abandonment, identity confusion, dissociation, paranoia, impulsivity, self-injury, and self-harm threats, and memory issues). This does not mean that BPD only arises in children of alcoholics yet points to the risks that can occur in children who have experienced more abuses from adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and childhood maltreatment (CM). It is also important to note some children of alcoholic parents or those with higher ACEs and CM were able to find resources and consequently grew up with more resilience and sometimes a greater capacity to experience empathy for others.

Returning to the idea that memory is freedom, while studies have shown that we cannot always trust our memories as they are biased and colored with from various sensory inputs and altered through time, being of “sound mind” can be critical for one’s freedom, self-advocacy, and health. Finding ways to secure memory retention and thrive is important. Getting out of abusive situations is one of the first steps toward freedom and a thriving life. This includes self-abuse.

Brain-abuse self-assessment: If you are reading this and concerned about the impacts of abuses on your brain and in your life, try identifying and assessing the myriad of relational influences around you. This includes your partner, family, friends, employer, group affiliations, church, community, media consumption, food and dink consumption, self-talk, body relationship. You can make a list and write abuses that have occurred or are occurring next to each are OR write a number a number between 1 and 4 next to each area where 1 equals no abuse or neglect, 2 equals little to some abuse or neglect, 3 equals some abuse or neglect, and 4 equals frequent to steady abuse or neglect. If you discover abuses and neglect, ask what you can do to negotiate a healthier relationship. Sometimes healthy attempts at repairing can be accomplished. Other times, a farewell is in order. You can process your answers through a combination of journaling, meditating and/or exercising. I also encourage you to seek a supportive counselor or therapist that you trust to help you through this process. There are great results from trauma-informed solution-focused therapy practitioners that treat post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in 10 sessions over a period of time that are aimed to empower you, build self-trust, and that discourage dependency (which is an ethical mandate).

Additionally, a discussion about brain and memory health cannot be concluded without the very real impacts from health behaviors that you can implement right now. Get nutrition. Eat more vegetables and lower sugar fruits as the antioxidants can help combat the oxidation caused by aging and stress. Good brain fuel includes non-toxic Omega-3 sources. Watch the dangers of inflammatory substances from sugar, processed food chemicals, overcooked foods, and metal contaminants. People with autoimmune diseases need to be cautious about their food intake as gluten, corn, tomatoes, citrus fruits, and dairy can exacerbate symptoms. Get sleep. Getting a full nights sleep (7-8 hours for adults and more for adolescents and kids) helps with memory processing, brain toxin waste cleanup, stress reduction, creativity, and anti-aging. Exercise. Physical activity helps everything. It lubricates joints, improves mood, helps the heart, and burns off stress (and fat). Get in nature. Humans have an essential symbiotic relationship with nature. Some trees and botanicals emit aromatics and neurochemicals (oh, and oxygen!) that stave off depression and improve our moods. Safe sun consumption provides life promoting vitamin D, which helps a host of bodily things including memory!

Finally, I will close this post with a quote from a woman that represents the hallmark of resilience, “So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good.” -Hellen Keller

How Love Turns Toxic

Photo by tabitha turner on Unsplash

Before men were from Mars, Dr. Herb Goldberg, wrote The Hazards of Being a Male and What Men Really Want. Goldberg, who passed in 2019, became a friend and once insisted I write a counterpart to his book and share what women really want. I never did. Perhaps because I perceived the issue of relationships to be a little more complex than gender. I also became a bit leery about inadvertently perpetuating gender stereotypes. Still, Goldberg offered an incredible insight to a common problem that can happen in relationships and how that problem can turn the most loving partnership into a toxic nightmare. Moreover, this toxic element may explain how other relationships become filled with argumentativeness, discord, and upheaval.

Before delving into the problem, let’s review what might bring people together. Typically, the object of desire fulfills the image of the ideal dream lover a person has imagined (consciously and unconsciously). The beloved person has an indefinable sparkle and brings heightened energy and interest to the encounter. There may be a magnetic physical attraction combined with the chemical alchemy of sexual energy. Each person may have increased interest in conversation as they eagerly share and listen to each other’s life stories. Happy neurochemicals begin increasing and hunger dissipates as the two people long for each other’s company instead. The happiness found in love’s first bliss also casts a romantic view on the rest of the world. Life feels fuller, has more meaning, and the joy from love gets infused into the rest of life’s more mundane activities. (cue James Brown’s “I feel good” song.) Another positive side effect of all this feel-good love is that it bolsters each person’s immune system. Love not only feels good, but it is also good for your health, and even looks good on you as your skin radiates from the positive psycho-neuro-immuno enhancements flowing in your body.

With all that good stuff, how can something so good—and good for you—go wrong?

While love’s initial bliss stage is unsustainable, love does not have to sour. People CAN thrive in long-term relationships and many do. There’s also plenty of research that shows people are healthier, happier, have more physical intimacy, and tend to live longer when married. The caveat is that unhealthy marriages have been shown to take a toll on women’s health and shorten their lifespan. Perhaps that is why more women have been shown to initiate divorce. I suspect anyone would suffer in a volatile marriage. Continued conflict does not bode well for most people. However, there may be an explanation about why a gender disparity was revealed in combative marriages. Let’s now return to Goldberg’s work.

In What Men Really Want, Goldberg described the competitive, ego-driven male and how the qualities that make successful men attractive may be the same qualities that get activated as defenses when women misunderstand them. Essentially, he points out a relationship dynamic that many system-trained marriage and family therapists work on with couples. The people are not the problem, their defensive dance is the problem. Misunderstandings and threats to safety and trust can activate defenses and trigger partners to engage in a dysfunctional defensive dance, with each person stepping on each other’s toes and hurting each other. (Note, it is considered normal and healthy to have conflict and that the key is to repair in mutually supportive ways that allow each partner and the relationship to thrive.)

So, what causes a dysfunctional defensive dance?

What Goldberg pointed out is that the competitive male tends to view the world as dangerous and thereby takes control to defend and protect. He appeals to being logical and objective and tends to distrust emotion. When told he is cold, unloving, and afraid of commitment, etc., he becomes defensive and distances from emotion and the person who is blaming him. Additionally, he will view the beloved’s loving and peaceful view about the world as naïve and dangerous. Thus, the defensive dance triggered in him would be to insult her emotional reactions and views about the world. He would view her as insecure and will distance more. Typically, his distancing and criticism may cause more emotional responses such as grief and anger and potential feelings of abandonment. The more he detaches in alarm, the more she may pursue. The defensive dysfunctional dance hurts both people and ultimately can destroy the relationship if both people continue to misunderstand and condemn each other.

Here is where I will dissent from Goldberg. Goldberg maintained that women in these situations need to better understand the male and to work on their building their own sense of security. He does admit this advice is for the women who pursue the successful, ego-driven male. My dissent is that we now have a deeper understanding of the effect discrimination and toxic demeaning can have on a person. It does the exact opposite of love. It destroys the immune system and the person’s self-esteem. The negative criticism often gets turned inward, having a double punitive effect. Depression can set in and the person can begin to feel they are mentally unraveling. Today, there is broader information about the effects from narcissistic abuse and gaslighting—when a person is trying to make you think you’re crazy—is now in the common language. I do agree with Goldberg that many men (and people) may feel mystified when love goes wrong. Many men (and competitively driven people) may be genuinely hurt when their ways of showing love (like by working) are criticized. They may feel mistrustful about being manipulated. They may feel used, overwhelmed, and taken for granted. They may lose faith in love altogether.

My hope is that people will not lose faith in love. Love can be so powerful and healing. What we need to do is to learn how to see and appreciate each other, especially because we all see things a little differently. Love is a fragile and precious thing to protect and nurture. It does not come along every day and should not be taken for granted. When both people can come together with a spirit of genuine appreciation for the mysterious ways their beloved views and experiences the world—especially when it is different—then a healthy dance can occur. People thrive and bloom with love, understanding, and patience. When we resort to defensiveness, blaming and ridicule, we’ve lost love and ourselves. A competitive and ego-defended person may survive a dysfunctional defensive dance. Heck, some people even thrive in that kind of encounter. Others do not. Many women do not. (Which is why I suspect the health disparity exists.)

My final piece of advice is to figure out the person’s worldview and pay attention to early signs of criticism, defensiveness, controlling, and blaming. Take it slow. The healthiest love has had time to take root. The healthiest person can disintegrate in a dysfunctional and abusive relationship. Similarly, two people can thrive and be better versions of themselves when they are allies. A soul can thrive the best you attend to it, feed it, and surround it with a family and community of allies.

The Sunscreen Song - Timeless Wisdom Inspired for the Class of '99

I was speaking with a friend the other day about aging and we both agreed that we didn't appreciate our youth when we were younger or how much skinnier we actually were than we realized. I laughed and said it was just like the "Sunscreen Song" (my recollection of the name, yet it is actually entitled "Everybody's Free" by Baz Luhrmann). She said she never heard of the song.

After searching for it (thank you Internet and YouTube), I replayed the nostaligic rap of my younger years and found myself laughing and tearing up. How incredibly true the lyrics have proven. The words are so filled with wisdom that I wanted to share it here. I hope you will take a moment to listen to the video.

A potential adddition to the lyrics in today's world might caution against comparing yourself to others on social media. Maybe also to unplug and look people in the eyes when you speak. Or how about savoring people's company with heartfelt laughter while cooking together and/or playing board games instead of zoning out in front of a screen? Live the life you want instead of watching others living their adventures? What additions would you make? Of course, Luhrmann has something to say about advice. But that's at the end, so listen to hear it. I hope you love this brilliant song as much as I do!

 

Is the News Reinforcing Your Trauma?

Mary was seven years old when she witnessed her father assault her mother. It was the last time she saw him as her mother packed their belongings that night and moved across the country. Mary resolved she would avoid being be like her mother and would do everything perfectly so that a man would never harm her. Instead, Mary dated a series of men that were emotionally and/or physically abusive. To make matters worse, all of them left her and triggered her deep abandonment wounds. Mary (not her real name and addressed here with her permission) came into my office to work on childhood trauma and abandonment issues. Now, her daily diet of news (which is steeped in traumas, leadership betrayals, political strife, emotionally charged legal decisions, and climate change) is triggering Mary’s trauma wounds while increasing her anxiety and depression. 

Mary is not the only one. I would suspect that every person is touched by current events, whether they realize it consciously or not. There’s even a phenomenon known as a Morally Injurious Experience (MIE) that comes from experiencing a traumatic event or situation that conflicts with one’s moral beliefs. In a military context, it has been defined as engaging in or observing betrayals like a leadership failure, or violence and sexual assault, along with situations where a person has been unable to prevent an injury, death or war-related destruction. Thus, one can have a childhood trauma like Mary did when observing her father assault her mother and then one can have an MIE when observing other people's traumas and betrayals in other contexts. Moreover, an MIE can retrigger unresolved traumatic wounds from childhood.

Trauma Recovery is Challenged by Broken Trust

 

Betrayals break trust. Cover-ups break trust. Discrimination breaks trust. Moreover, leadership and hero betrayals can have traumatic consequences for many. Examples include heightened despair, anxiety, guilt, shame, resentment, spiritual and existential angst (meaninglessness), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), substance abuse, self-harm, relationship distress, and exacerbated medical conditions. Healing from broken trust can be challenging; and witnessing repeated reports of trust violations in the media can cement a mindset that is resistant to healing.

Be Mindful About Media Consumption to Avoid Exacerbating Trauma

Be aware that media headlines thrive on material that can trigger trauma and reinforce mistrust. Remember, the news motto is, "If it bleeds, it leads." Pervasive distrust, betrayals,  toxic communications, bullying behaviors, and violence often dominate the headlines and can be tiggering for  people, especially for those with a deep history of betrayals from their earliest authority figures. Watching endless news about leadership betrayals can trigger traumatic feedback loops that sustain the trauma and increase depression and anxiety, along with giving fuel to not so positive coping mechanisms. So, please pay attention to how news and media consumption may inflame past traumas. Working with a therapist about your responses to media and leadership betrayals can help.

What can you do if you are triggered?

• As in a hurricane, check your doors and windows and stay inside. That means check the messages that are coming into your ears and out your mouth and make sure you are okay, safe and that you’re not doing something that inflames the current conditions.
• Evacuate if you must and find shelter where it’s safe. Seek help with a professional, group, and surround yourself with trusted friends. 
• Avoid getting into triggering debates and arguments with others, while re-evaluating relationships that thrive on negativity.
• Employ more green time over screen time. Getting outdoors can expose you to healthy oxygen and neurochemicals from the plants and trees while getting some vitamin D from sunshine.
• Take care of your physical body and nourish it with healthy foods, water, and exercise. Get sleep.
• Don’t be afraid to call 911 in an emergency.

Healing from Family Dysfunction: Understanding How the Past Keeps Pulling you Back and Impacting Your Life

Grief often brings people to therapy (Photo by Nik Shuliahin)

Most people come to therapy after a relationship (family or career) has erupted. They begin to question themselves and wonder why they are hurting and how they can feel better. Therapists then begin asking about their past and inevitably associations with current complaints come to the surface. Sometimes to the dismay of clients. However, there’s hope for the client when one’s formative blueprint can be understood.

For instance, think of the most painful family hurt you ever experienced. One that left you with such an indelible scar that you suspect it has unconsciously impacted your relationships, career, and satisfaction with life. Then imagine learning that thousands of people overcame strikingly similar experiences—to the point where other family members healed, grew closer, and even transformed into stable, loving, mature, and dependable people. Imagine they also attained their best personal successes.

That’s what going graduate school was like for me. I learned about thousands of real life happily ever afters. Yes, I learned about tragedies too, yet I saw the hope and possibility of genuine family healing. Heal a family and you can help heal the world.

I couldn’t wait to dig in and help people achieve their most cherished and often unconscious dream of healing their family patterns and creating a new life that was healthier, meaningful, and filled with genuine joy. While I cannot give everyone therapy, or even help everyone I work to attain a complete transformation, I can do my best to share what I have learned (and am learning) to help you make the changes you desire. I realize it can be a challenge to work with family members that do not want to change, so I encourage you to keep working on yourself. People cannot play tug-of-war with you if you are not picking up the rope.

The Lesson of the Rescuer

For every rescuer, there is a victim. For every victim, there is a persecutor. People familiar with psychology may know about Karpman’s Triangle. Stephen Karpman developed a model that captures one of the most common triangular interactions among people: Victim, Rescuer & Persecutor. The fascinating thing that Karpman reveals is that each role has an egoic payoff.

Victim: “Poor Me” (The victim avoids responsibility and becomes dependent, getting their egoic needs met by having people do things for them. They also succeed in getting attention, for both the rescuer and the persecutor are focusing on them.)

Rescuer: “Let Me Help You” (The rescuer rushes to the aid of the victim and gets a two-fold egoic payoff by being perceived in a positive light and simultaneously avoiding their own problems and feelings.)

Persecutor: “It’s All Your Fault” (Every persecutor needs a victim and their egoic need of feeling powerful and superior is fulfilled when they blame, attack and bully a victim. Like the rescuer, the persecutor gets to avoid any real feelings and fears they have.)

While people tend to take on a primary role in the triangle, they will often shift and take turns taking on the different roles with each other. Thus, the rescuer may get upset with the persecutor and take on the persecutor role and attack them, placing them in the victim role. The victim may then rescue the persecutor. Or the persecutor may shift into the rescuer role, with endless variations of role-switching. The goal is to recognize the trap of the triangle and to distance oneself from getting seduced into any of the roles—especially when it’s so entrenched that it’s the only culturally acceptable way of behaving in the family

Triangles Prevent Intimacy

One of the ironies about falling into the trap of playing the victim, rescuer, and persecutor triangle is that it impedes the true intimacy each person desperately craves. Humans are social creatures and we need each other. We thrive in community and derive meaning from belonging and having a sense of purpose. Studies in Psycho-Neuro-Immunology (PNI) have now shown that long-term, supportive relationships can improve our immune functioning and prevent disease. Studies also show that having adverse experiences in childhood (from maltreatment, dysfunctional familial patterns like the Karpman Triangle, poverty, and discrimination) can reduce immune functioning and lead to an earlier onset of diseases and reduced life spans. Thus, we need each other yet we need safe, healthy, and nurturing relationships that are driven by true intimacy. Not reactive, egoic defense patterns that sustain connection in surface ways.

As Salvador Minuchin, pioneer of family therapy, revealed: behind a nagging wife is a lonely women—and the husband who responds to the nagging will get sucked into the trap of hounding and evasion. She hounds and he evades. Or vice versa. Hounding can be like the victim role of the triangle. Again, people take turns playing the different roles of victim, rescuer, and persecutor. Or evader. The deal is, no one who is succumbing to playing a role is addressing the underlying needs of each person. The egoic reactivity (the roles in the triangle) becomes a substitute for the cry of true intimacy.

Asking for something deeper from another person requires a level of vulnerability that people are not often prepared to admit. Moreover, getting vulnerable and going deep may be seen as needy or codependent. Today’s-increasingly individualistic and narcissistic culture tends to deepen the divide between deeper connection and surface relationships. Please know, however, that going deeper in vulnerable ways in an attempt to increase real intimacy (or “into-me-see”) IS NOT CODEPENDENT or NEEDY. Instead, codependence involves falling into a state of perpetual role playing (victim, rescuer, persecutor, evader) that stems from ego protection without revealing the heart’s real feelings and intimate needs.

Myths about the Ego

The ego is not a bad thing. It is protective. Imagine the ego as a kind of bodyguard. It tries to protect you when it senses hurt and danger. Sometimes it works. Like when it urges you to run away from fire or seek shelter in the rain or drink water because you’re thirsty.

At other times, the ego does not understand the full situation and only knows you are lonely, so it attempts to solve the loneliness in a primal Hulk fashion (such as, getting mad at the person that’s ignoring you and hounding them or insisting you go eat the chocolate cake because it remembers that it made you happy in the past). Your ego, or personal Hulk bodyguard, does not mean to sabotage you. It is just operating at a lower primal state to protect you. Unfortunately, this means there is often a disconnect between it and your higher brain and your vulnerable heart—which impedes how you may communicate and relate to others in that moment.

While it might seem like the goal is to kill the ego, I would offer that it might help to tend and befriend your ego. Get to know it and its triggers. Appreciate when it’s doing its job right and learn to disarm it when you’re in conflict with someone. Take space as you need and then try to return and repair as possible. If you feel like you are the only one showing up and being vulnerable and that you’re dealing with someone who can’t let go of their ego defenses, don’t be afraid to take a step back. Perhaps your heart can be filled with compassion for the other person and the unfortunate ego battle that might be hijacking intimacy.

Boundaries

While it would be nice to be intimate and present with everyone all the time, that is not realistic. There is a space and time for surface communication and deeper connection. In intimate and close relationships, we try to make more time for the deeper connection. People can be authentic and real without revealing their every deeper thought and feeling with anyone that will listen. Additionally, relationships are a give and take. There needs to be healthy reciprocity. One person cannot carry the emotional baggage for both people. If they do, that protective Hulk may hijack your best intentions and throw back into the merry-go-round of victim that seeks out a rescuer and then begins persecuting the other person. That’s how triangulation occurs. When relationships require a steady pattern of venting to another person, it sets up a dynamic of role playing. Thus, setting up healthy boundaries may help diminish the dangers of triangulation. Just try to do it from an authentic heart space and not a blaming, victim, or persecutor place. Looking within will help you identify your motives.

Health Tip While Working on Relationships

Life is a process and no one is perfect. Be gentle on yourself as you work toward health and healthy intimacy with others. PNI research has shown that negative thoughts can increase inflammation and conditions that allow cancer cells to grow and other diseases to thrive. Thus, watch the resentment, hatred, anger, and despair you may feel. Note that nagging, evading, playing victim, blaming, and even rescuing can be fraught with negative thoughts. If you don’t believe me, take a moment to ponder the thought processes of someone else in those roles. Most likely, those same thoughts occur for you too. Fortunately, PNI research has shown positive thoughts can help to neutralize the inflammatory responses in the body. One of the most profound findings in PNI research is that feeling AWE can help to decrease inflammatory cytokines that cause disease. Feeling awe can be cultivated when we pay attention to the synchronicities around us and when we take a pause from our relationships and experiences to consider how they might be serving us. It is like seeing the magic in life and realizing this is a joyous adventure filled with amazing little surprises that point us to new discoveries. Life can be a magical treasure hunt, so please don’t lose faith and hope in this magnificent game of life. Like tends to attract like, so do not be surprised if more awe experiences reveal themselves as you increase your feelings of awe.

Cancer and Stress (the Sixth Vital Sign of Cancer Diagnoses)

I am stunned to discover that I have neglected my personal blog for over a year, so I am rectifying that immediately with this post about cancer and stress. (Note-I have continued posting on Psychology Today, so please feel free to check out those articles. Some include toxic stress, depression, bullying, sleep, betrayal, and staying in love. Full list of articles can be found here.) Now back to this post about cancer.

I have lost a number of friends and family to cancer—and have as many (or more) that are cancer survivors. Cancer is pervasive and can be frightening as it is one the leading causes of death worldwide (2020 saw around 19.3 million new cancer cases and 9.9 cancer related deaths). For those who don’t know, cancer is not a specific disease but a cluster of over 200 diseases typified by dysfunctional cell growth that is rapidly replicated. The challenge is that the body’s immune system often misses detecting the stealth cell growth and then has difficulty eliminating it. Additionally, cancer stem cells that produce tumors have a sneaky way of taking a rest during cancer treatment and then re-awakening at a later date.

While there are various pathways and adaptations that are involved based on cancer type, progression, treatment(s), age, and gender, there are some epigenetic influences that can be managed. Or put another way, there are some lifestyle habits and ways of viewing life and coping with stress that can exacerbate conditions that make cancer cells thrive or remain inactive. One obvious solution is to eliminate smoking, alcohol, drugs, and exposure to toxic chemicals as they create havoc on the body and lead to ripe conditions for multiple diseases, including cancer.

Cancer and Stress

But there’s still more you can do to protect yourself. Distress has been cited at the sixth vital sign in diagnosing cancer, so managing stress can be critical for cancer prevention and cancer recovery. This makes sense when you understand that stress can increase the pro-inflammatory cytokines that feed cancer while simultaneously disrupting protective immune responses. In fact, people with a history of child maltreatment and trauma have been shown to have higher rates of depression, anxiety, fatigue, and stress. Moreover, they also tend to have more internalized shame and cognitive distortions (seeing things in more negative ways and ruminating on negativity). Thus, working with someone to overcome the negative perceptions and treat the underlying trauma, anxiety, and depression can be powerful for healing. Meditation, self-compassion, positive self-soothing, realistic appraisal, and employing healthy boundaries can enhance resilience and coping while reducing inflammation.

Nutritional Support

Dietary changes can also help. While it has been cited that sugar feeds cancer and processed foods may introduce unsafe chemicals into the body, there are foods that are more cancer-fighting. Beresford-Kroeger, author of The Sweetness of a Simple Life, provides a broader environmental systemic look at cancer and health and points out that the diversity of the human diet has gone from 85,000 different plant species to approximately eight main versions. She recommends rosemary and reishi mushrooms because they decrease free radicals by 50% while shiitake mushrooms decrease proliferation of cancer cells. Burdock root, onions, and garlic contain alliin—and hanging the onions and garlic in the kitchen allows you to breathe in the alliin, which helps to break down pre-cancerous cells and stimulates the immune system while decreasing blood pressure. Strawberries have ellagic acid which reduces the mutagenicity of toxins entering the cell that can lead to cancer. Additionally, keeping a ratio of one omega-3 for every six omega-6’s is recommended.

These are a few suggestions. Always speak with your doctor to ensure changes you are making are beneficial for your medical condition as people vary. For instance, you could be allergic strawberries, so avoid them and other things that do not work for you. The important takeaways are to manage your stress, find support, eat healthy and avoid toxins, get sleep so your body can heal, and try to increase more joy and gratitude in your life while decreasing fear and anxiety.

Finally, I will close with this quote by Anita Moorjani, the author of Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing:  “I could feel my attachment to the scene receding as I began to realize that everything was perfect and going according to plan in the greater tapestry.”

12 Positive Intention Suggestions for Being Your Best Diamond Self in 2021

As we head into the final hours of 2020, I would like to thank everyone I know along with all clients and readers. Thank you for sharing in this fascinating and sometimes painful sacred journey of life. It is an honor and deep privilege to be connected, especially in the deeper realms of life experience.

Like many, I have experienced a number of losses this past year along with personal ups and downs in trying to adapt to this continuing world pandemic. I grieve with you and offer my deepest condolences and heartfelt thoughts and prayers as we all find our way through.

In looking at the new year, I will share that I have had a fifteen-year tradition of spending New Year’s Eve (or New Year’s Day) writing a personal poem about the previous year with inspired intentions for the year to come. I have heard many people taking part in an array of creative rituals for this transitional time and find myself inspired by all the things people are doing. If you haven’t partaken in such a tradition or are looking for some solution-focused intention ideas, here is a list of 12 tips (backed by science) that can help you increase your resilience, creativity, and health so that you can be your best diamond self. (Note, a diamond is the result of a long process of pressure and represents transformation, strength and resilience.)

1. The pandemic has created an environment of social defeat which has led to an increase in maladaptive coping behaviors and consequent self-abuse, so the first suggestion is to pause the button on negative self-talk and start soothing your self-esteem with positive and loving self-soothing.
2. Dust off the lesson of the Golden Rule and start treating others the way your heart genuinely wants to be treated—and be sure to do this with yourself. When we treat others with compassion, patience, love, and seek to understand, we build better relationships and increase our self-worth. And beware of the deadly relationship killers: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling (silent treatment), passive-aggression, and overt aggression.
3. Learn from mistakes and approach all disappointments, perceived failures, and even tragedies with the question, “What can I learn from this?”
4. List your strengths and weaknesses and develop a realistic understanding of what you can change and what you can accept.
5. Make an art of practicing delayed gratification and self-control to attain your goals and improve your relationships.
6. List any problems you have been avoiding and adopt a growth mindset to creatively solve problems as they arise.
7. It is super easy to be critical and assume the worst—about everyone and everything. Its even wired into our brains to see a snake instead of a stick as a survival mechanism. However, this reptilian part of our brain is often wrong and leads to more problems than we realize. Overcome it by consciously being optimistic and grateful.
8. Enrich your environment by building essential relationships and resources that support you and provide safety, encouragement, empathy, loving kindness, and respect.
9. Enhance your Emotional IQ by recognizing your feelings and other people’s feelings. Get support to help learn this as it is not always innate and can be challenged through trauma and conditioning from others who seek to avoid feelings.
10. Move your body as much as possible and get outside and walk as you are able. It moves the blood and helps the brain and release pent up stress.
11. Find supportive resources to help you release emotional blocks from trauma, grief, vicarious trauma, illness, and stress.
12. Develop a healthy relationship with your body and treat it with love by listening to it, loving it, appreciating it, nurturing it, and not harming it.

Whatever items you pick from the list, make them incremental and realistic and keep patting yourself on the back for making the EFFORT to TRY. High-five!! Happy & Most Blessed Wishes for your New Year!

Healing from Within: Confronting the Hidden Gift of Conflict

My parents used to fight. Then they would make up. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to their screams and shouts and crying myself back to sleep. The next morning it was as if nothing happened. I once saw a hole in the wall and learned my father punched it. No one explained anything else about it nor would either of them explain why he did it. I found myself staring at the torn drywall as though I was in a hypnotic trance. What had happened to cause such destruction? Why weren’t they talking about? I was only five years old, so I realize my perceptions were that of a child’s comprehension. Still, it left an indelible mark in my psyche as real as the hole itself.

Years later I am still asking these questions. I was drawn to political science, international affairs and psychology to better understand conflict and try to be part of a solution for creating peace and understanding among people. I’ve written about power struggles, family dynamics, relationship theories, organizational development, and personal psychology—where oftentimes the tension of conflict and peacemaking have been a common thread.

A couple years ago, I began editing a book on power struggles that I wrote to have the 2^nd edition celebrate the book’s 10^th anniversary. I began conducting research to contrast the state of conflict by comparing overall rates of measurable conflict when the book was first written to conflict levels ten years later. Needless to say, I felt disheartened by the significant increases in measurable conflict coupled with the intensity of political upheaval in the U.S. I found myself in that hypnotic trance again. I felt like it would be difficult to promote a 2^nd edition if conflict had only escalated. With increasing numbers of psychologists, communication and peacemaking experts, and a broader recognition of systems theory, social justice, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and health, why was conflict escalating? Could anything be done to bring people together in mutual understanding, trust, respect, and peace?

While political theories abound along with studies that reveal diverse perspectives as varied as colors on the spectrum observable to the human eye, in this post I am going to revisit the first key in my book, Ten Keys to Staying Empowered in a Power Struggle. This key is so important that I placed it first, however, it might have fared better if were near the end to allow people to better process it rather than skipping over it. The 7^th key on crazymakers has consistently been the most popular chapter as it illuminates what’s wrong with the “other” person who exhibits crazymaking tactics like double-binds and other manipulations. That’s the easy stuff to see. It’s the first key that is the absolute hardest to get one’s head around.

With all of that build-up, what is it already?

The first key concerns the psychological concept called projection. We see in the other what we disavow in ourselves.

Imagine that for a moment. Consider it a thought experiment instead of an accusation. Projections are defense mechanisms so any feeling of being judged, attacked, accused, etc. will trigger this powerful wall and shield (protect) you from that which you do not wish to see (or are not yet ready to see).

Back to the thought experiment.

Think of someone who has perturbed you with something they said or the way they are acting. It could be a loved one, a nemesis, an irritating person, or a politician you loathe.

Find the person?

Now identify the thing that upsets you most about them and/or the interaction you’ve had with them. The more specific you can get, the better.

It’s okay if this takes some time. Give yourself the gift of this moment to allow it to clearly surface.

Got it?

Maybe it’s vanity, disloyalty, hatred, rejection, feeling manipulated, feeling threatened. Whatever the ‘lowest common denominator’ feeling state you can identify is the goal.

Now for the mind-switch and where the real work occurs. (Hang in there. You can do this! I believe in you!)

The mind-switch is a lot like the ending of The Sixth Sense when we, the audience, observe the kid’s psychologist is also a ghost. Going back to the feeling you discovered that you detest in the other person, turn it around and see if you can identify this very same thing in you.

This is not an easy exercise as your mind is protecting itself with a denial defense. The best way to dismantle such defenses is with an energy of unconditional love for yourself. Remind yourself that finding any uncomfortable feelings or attitudes in you does not make you a failure or a bad person or defective. It also does not eliminate other person’s accountability. Just explore and see where you can recognize the same or similar thing in you.

To illustrate, I was frustrated with someone for being intrusive and overbearing with their constant demands. I felt they were not respecting my boundaries. I can see where my psychological attitude and communication style that seeks depth and authentic interactions could be viewed as intrusive and overbearing. I can see how I have impatience and be can overbearing. The lesson I get to learn from the experience is to practice increased patience and understanding of others as I more effectively navigate their emotional boundaries.

I also know that whatever I write can be deeply revealing. There is another defense mechanism called displacement which occurs when we displace our reaction from its original source onto something else. There’s the example of the man who gets yelled at by his boss and comes home and kicks the dog. But displacement can take place over a lifetime. As a young girl, I was not in a position to effect change in my family and create a discussion around anger management and the feelings conjured by the hole in the wall. Consequently, I displaced that experience into a career of trying to solve conflict and improving familial relations.

I am not sure if I’ve been successful. Perhaps I am like the person on the beach trying to rescue the beached starfish by throwing them back into the ocean one at a time. When told they could not possibly save all of the starfish, the person tosses another one in the ocean and replies, “I just saved that one.”

If you are reading this and doing the deeper work of looking within, I applaud you. Even if others stir the flames of anger, you have the power to be your best self. To use every opportunity to grow in wisdom, self-care, and love.

The real toxicity of conflict occurs when we introject it and turn it on ourselves (consciously and unconsciously). These conflicts makeup the thousand death cuts to your soul. Be like the person on the beach and heal your inner starfish—one at a time. Then love and peace and healing will win. You had the power all along.

Trick or Treat: A Rare Blue Hunter’s Halloween Moon 2020

 

As we enter this Halloween and All Saints Day/Day of the Dead weekend, we will be greeted with a rare full moon—the Blue Hunter’s Halloween Moon—coupled with the end of Daylight Savings time. What a lot to occur in one weekend, especially in the context of an ongoing global pandemic and the final days of the U.S. election. It feels worthy of a little extra attention.

I love the moon and appreciate how it marks time in the sky with its many phases. It brings a smile to my heart when I see it and I find myself a little sad when the clouds cover it from view in the evenings. Full moons tend to bring extra excitement for me and I find some of the most significant memories in my life (happy and sad) have been marked by a full moon. Of course stories abound about the full moon, like mythical werewolves and the more human phenomenon that suggests there are more visits to the emergency room (ER) on the full moon, so I wanted to look at what the latest science reveals (and speculate on just how dangerous this weekend could be😉).

After doing a scan of the latest peer-reviewed research over the past six years, I am happy to report that there have been consistent findings that the full moon DOES NOT correspond to higher ER visits or strokes. There have been multiple studies that suggest the full moon impacts sleep though.

I was grateful the science did not reveal a connection to heightened ER visits as I imagine relaying that information could exacerbate fear and possibly lead to even further increases of ER visits and other alarming phenomena. That something so beautiful, romantic and sacred could be viewed as dangerous would be sad to me (perhaps like solar eclipses were once viewed).

Then I came across a “Full Moon Rising” article in Yoga Journal. The following lines stood out and seemed to be the perfect invitation for ways we can respond to this weekend’s events:

“In shamanic teachings, every spiritual act we perform is a ceremony. When we recognize the sacredness of each moment, miracles happen… Creating sacred ceremonies during seasonal and lunar transitions helps us navigate changes within and without. It is important to celebrate the sunrise, sunset, new and full moon, and seasonal changes as connected rather than separate (Ingerman, 2008).”

It can seem scary to enter a weekend with a rare full blue moon (see Stardate link for full info) coupled with Halloween and a death focus during a pandemic and crazy political strife. It could be easy to fear others and the state of the world right now. It could also be easy to fall into despair, angst and hopelessness.

Instead, what if you enter this weekend by helping to lift up with world with your light? How about expanding your heart and Soul as broad as the full moon and as vast as the continuum between this world and the next. Try to let go of all fears, narratives and disbeliefs while embracing total love, total trust, and total forgiveness. Perhaps if we all do this, we will be surprised by the sprouts of love that emerge from the seeds we plant this rare Blue Hunter’s Halloween Moon. What a marvelous treat that would be.

Photo by Myraims-Fotos on Pixabay

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#30

Purpose is multidimensional throughout our lives. Sometimes our purpose involves being there to care for a loved one as they pass. Other times, it is about showing up to cheer children (yours and others) in their sports and school performances. Still other times, it might be looking up and smiling as a stranger crosses your path.

Purpose doesn’t have to be a difficult process of finding one single solitary thing you do for work in the world. Even people who seem to find their vocational calling and stick to it all their lives can have a variety of purposes that far exceed the work they do.

We are human BE-INGS, not human DO-INGS. So be. Allow the inspiration and life’s flow to wash over and guide you. Trust you are right where you are supposed to be in this very moment (because you are and you can only breathe life into this moment of existence). The future and your path will unfold, so be gentle with yourself if you feel you’ve lost your way. You haven’t. You are right here, right now— reading these words and taking care of yourself. Hopefully, you are uncovering (and remembering) that your Soul is guiding you in ways our material existence cannot always comprehend.

Inspiration for the Day:        I have always known

                                              That at last I would

                                              Take this road, but yesterday

                                              I did not know that it would be today.

                                                                                           –Narihira

 

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#29

Patience is powerful. Not just patience to steadily work at the tasks that lead to fruition to your goals; it is also essential to have patience with the present moment.

You may not like your current circumstances, or you may discover that tending to the moment—as it is—brings forth feelings of boredom, frustration, fear, and discontent.

Or you may feel exhilarated in the moment while simultaneously experiencing a nagging fear and dread that the happiness will end.

The solution for staying fully present is to pause and focus on the simple things you can cherish. Take a slow deep breath and appreciate how your lungs feel as you inhale and exhale. Relax the muscles in your body. Allow the calm stillness to center you—and trust the path ahead can be filled with this same calmness that you bring to it, no matter what happens in your life.

Inspiration for the Day: Try this for an affirmation as you breathe and relax: “I now choose to create a life that is joyous and abundant. I am at ease.”

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#28

Courage needs fuel.

No one can accomplish anything in complete isolation. The fuel can come from an internal and ethereal Source that feeds conviction and reassures the person of their path. Or it can come from the support of loved ones and mentors around you. Ideally, you have a little of both.

Even so, it does not mean that the path will be free of obstacles. You may want to quit, run and/or hide. You may want to take a safer route yet cannot find one. In those times, engage even more with the internal and external supports you have so they can help to fuel your courage.

Remember the lesson of the blossom in the snow—it is filled with ancient DNA and deep roots that mark the way of the path while also being called by the world to greet the giant sun and essential chemicals that nourish its bloom. Trust the process that leads to your blossom.

Inspiration for the Day: “Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.” –Alice M. Swain

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#27

What is the burning desire within you? Was there something that you’ve always wanted to do ever since you were young? Does it nag at you? Haunt you? Is it difficult to tame? Do you run from it because it seems unrealistic?

Some desires are born out of insecurity and an attempt to prove something to someone or to get even with someone who hurt you. Other desires stir deep inside regardless of who notices and in spite of whether you receive recognition. Some desires may be born out of both causes.

One valuable exercise is to list all of the desires that fill you. Don’t judge what they are or how big or small they are. In fact, take on the exercise with radical self-acceptance and self-compassion. The deeper you go, the more you will find exactly who you are and what stirs your authentic joy.

Inspiration for the Day: “…what woman having ten silver coins, if she loses one of them, does not light a lamp, sweep the house, and search carefully until she finds it? When she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I lost.’” –Luke 15: 8-9

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#26

Timing is everything.

Pay attention to the need to move through stagnation. Stagnation can look like depression, sorrow, fear, and anxiety. When faced with these debilitating feelings, just do one small thing to accomplish your goal. Small things lead to big things and it is action that creates the momentum that leads to fulfillment.

Yet sometimes the timing is not right. Things tend not to work in these situations. It is almost like the Universe has created a barricade preventing you from achieving your goal. Patience and sitting still may be called for. In these circumstances, remember the lesson of winter season. Bare trees may look dead, however, they are doing powerful invisible work during hibernation.

Similarly, you may be in a hibernation phase where your ideas are gestating until the right audience is ready to receive them and/or you learn something essential in order to most effectively deliver your work into the world.

Inspiration for the Day: “Thinking and trying to “understand” can often confuse us and result in paralysis. Only as we participate can we learn.” –Anne Wilson Schaef

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#25

Everything we do has a purpose.

Whether it’s something as simple as brushing one’s teeth for dental hygiene to fulfilling a higher mission like saving lives, teaching others, helping the environment and/or achieving a dream.  Some purposes appear somewhat benign while others  have the power to enhance one’s sense of fulfillment, meaning and self-respect. Still others can incur harm, shame and illness.

A helpful test when taking any action (simple or complex) is to consider what purpose the act is fulfilling and consciously choosing to engage in more actions that lead to fulfillment and increase your self-respect.

Inspiration for the Day: “Everywhere and at all times it is in your power piously to acquiesce in your present condition, and to behave justly to those around you, and to exert your skill upon your present thoughts, that nothing shall steal into them without being well examined.” –Marcus Aurelius

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#24

Something special and unique exists in each and every living being. No two people have identical fingerprints. Similarly, the mark they leave in the world is just as personal—and can resonate with others in an almost mystical way.

Try walking through a museum and notice what art you are most drawn to. Why?

Art has a way of connecting us to the language of the Soul and inspiring us (or reminding us) of our purpose in the world.

Give your Soul the gift of an art tour of some sort and see what your stirs your Soul. It might be experienced as a flutter in your heart, an inspired idea, or a sudden recognition that you need to make a change. Conversely, you may be filled with immense gratitude and a sense through an inner knowing that you are on your Soul’s perfect path.

Inspiration for the Day: “One of the reasons the essential self has to resort to such extreme measures in order to communicate is that it can’t talk.” -Martha Beck, Finding Your Own North Star

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#23

Getting out of ourselves and reaching out to help someone else in need can have paradoxical magical cures to our own pains.

Moreover, the foundation of one’s purpose is often filled with the resilience and grit from surviving struggles and pain. One of the cornerstones of resilience and grit is shaped through connection with others.

When connecting to another, suddenly the broken heart, lost job, financial difficulty, grief, trauma, and stress becomes a powerful tool for empathizing with another person in similar pain. Helping them aids the healing and meaning for both of you—and a greater purpose is discovered in the alchemical healing connection.

Inspiration for the Day: “If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.” –Barack Obama

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#22

Purpose frequently gets blocked by fear and ego-centered pride. People can stumble when they fear making a mistake or getting negatively judged and rejected. Sometimes people allow their ego-centered pride to become so inflated that they narcissistically seek endless attention, adulation, respect, and admiration from others. These relational energies can thwart the progress of genuine purpose and connectedness with others.

Think about the heroes that have most inspired you.

Now think about some of the heroes who let you down after meeting them or learning more about them.

Can you notice the difference between what inspired and what repelled you? Let that be your guide.

Inspiration for the Day: “The Ego is a veil between humans and God.” –Rumi

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#21

A room of darkness can be transformed by lighting one candle. Living your purpose is much like a lit candle in a dark room. When you shine your light, it imbues light onto the surroundings and others around you.

Shining your light also models it for others. It can inspire others to cultivate purpose in their lives. If you had to overcome any obstacles, the steps you took may have carved a path that others can follow.

We are all role models. You never know what influence you may have or what unintended gifts you’ve given to others. It may be with the people you know, don’t know, or future generations. Give the gift of your light and let the rays touch where they are needed.

Inspiration for the Day: “How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.” –William Shakespeare

 

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#20

So far, there has been a lot of focus on finding and listening to one’s internal voice while embracing healthy self-care as necessary ingredients for cultivating purpose. As always there is an art in finding balance along a continuum, so let’s look at the benefits of caring for others as part of one’s purpose.

We are deeply interconnected. To live is to breathe. Life is filled with multiple systemic and symbiotic relationships. For instance, just as we breathe in oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide, the bountiful plant life and trees surrounding us, via the oxygen cycle of photosynthesis from the sun, emit large quantities of oxygen while they take in carbon dioxide.

Purpose is like breathing. The gifts we produce from our purpose are taken in by others. Some people receive it in the form of love. Others may be inspired. Perhaps some people are healed.

The fruits of purpose are plentiful and the rewards of returned love, appreciation, and recognition can incite renewed inspiration and energy for us to continue our purpose. Sometimes the unrecognized gifts go even further, like when we give an anonymous act of kindness to a stranger or make a heroic sacrifice to save someone or an entire population of people.

Inspiration for the Day: “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” –Winston Churchill

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#19

While it is healthy and positive to find gratitude in the moment, heeding the Soul’s call of deeper discontent may also be a lifesaving wake-up call to spur you into action.

As an example, one study examined the effects of prescription drugs on the survival responses in a group of minnows. A predator fish was introduced into two tanks of minnows. One tank was filled with non-drugged minnows while the second tank contained somewhat sedated minnows who had been exposed to prescription medications. As you may guess, the “sober” fish fought for their lives while the drugged fish responded lackadaisically and gave no sign of fight at all.

Sometimes questioning authority or where you’re at is a lifesaving call to action that saves you—and others.

Inspiration for the Day: “Most men would feel insulted if it were proposed to employ them in throwing stones over a wall, and then in throwing them back, merely that they might earn their wages. But many are no more worthily employed now.” –Henry David Thoreau

 

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#18

One of the greatest obstacles to finding purpose is the belief that it doesn’t exist in this very moment.  It does! As the axiom goes, you ARE right where you are supposed to be.

Every decision, every step along the way is part of your individual journey. Each step is an essential ingredient in your personal stew. Some herbs and flavors become dominant while others take a supportive background role.

Even dreaded failure can serve as some of the best gifts in life. It teaches us our greatest lessons and can be necessary in our development and our relations with others. Fear of failure and perpetual seeking of something better are some of the biggest challenges we overcome in life. They also make us very human and connect us to each other.

Acceptance of the here and now and the ever-unfolding process of life is our salvation.

Inspiration for the Day: “It is better to remain human and imperfect than to attempt the impossible task of becoming perfect—that is, of becoming divine, and therefore, inhuman.” –Richard E. Lind

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#17

Finding meaning and fulfilling one’s purpose can be accomplished through many activities.

Having a proverbial “day job” may provide income for paying for home, food, and basic necessities while painting, writing, or restoring an old car can serve to sate other essential soul needs. The combination can work together to fulfill one’s purpose.

You can resolve the conflict by expanding your mind to embrace multiple possibilities. It helps to remember that it is not an “either/or” (like, either I do this job or that job)—it can be a both/and. I can do BOTH this AND that. And maybe a little of this and that too!

Inspiration for the Day: “Genuine tragedies in the world are not conflicts between right and wrong. They are conflicts between two rights.” –Hegel

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#16

Finding our purpose is often a balance between responding to life’s responsibilities and taking care of our internal needs.

Living a life that sacrifices oneself to take care of everyone else can backfire. What may not be recognized by the conscious mind is that the sacrifices are often veiled attempts to receive love, attention, security, and to feel worthy.

Worse, they can be a rich breeding ground for deep-seated resentments that can come out in unexpected ways—moodiness, controlling behavior, guilt-tripping, eating disorders, addictions, depression, and a profound sense of disconnectedness from one’s self.

Taking time to examine the source of our desires can illuminate any ulterior motives and serve to access clearer intentions and a more fulfilling purpose.

Inspiration for the Day: “What we achieve inwardly will change outward reality.” –Plutarch

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#15

While our job may not necessarily equate with our purpose, it can be a complement to it and provide the fuel and energy that motivates and sustains us in the totality of our lives.

The energy of our purpose is like the attitude we bring to work—all the work we do in life. Some of the most fulfilling activities can be the most mundane daily chores. In fact, many faiths and cultures around the world (from ancient Eastern Zen practitioners to modern-day Western Christian monks and the multitudes of people in between) strongly herald the values of the simple tasks in daily living.

In his book, The Turning Point, Fritjof Capra explains that routine repetitive work is spiritual and, “helps us recognize the natural cycles of death and decay, of birth and death, and thus become aware of the dynamic of the universe.” That may explain why some people share how gardening, washing dishes, carpentry work, and even high-tech repetitive computer programming tasks can be relaxing and almost mesmerizing.

Inspiration for the Day: “Before enlightenment chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.” –Zen Proverb

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#14

Our sense of purpose can change over a lifetime, so it’s important to be flexible with the natural changes that emerge over the course of life.

A child may have dreams of becoming a clown who tours with a circus but change as they get older (and compounded by the final circus performance in 2017).

Education tends to reveal new paths as one discovers options they never knew existed before. Available career opportunities and technological impacts can also influence one’s direction in life.

Raising a family often instigates new priorities and shifts in desires.

Medical issues, death of a loved one, experiencing a significant life change like an empty-nest, and/or surviving a trauma can also illuminate new life paths.

Sometimes a person returns to an old childhood dream later in life—and perhaps performs as a clown in a new type of circus after all.

Inspiration for the Day: Plants often need to be repotted to grow.

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#13

We can be inspired, motivated and even coerced by others to make a change in our lives, yet the burden lies with us to take action.

Thinking we need outside help to get us moving can be a self-deceptive lie that keeps us from engaging with life the way our soul is urging.

Remember the lesson of the baby chick. The baby chick is developing essential muscles and neural pathways necessary for survival when it painstakingly chips away at the eggshell that’s containing it. The chick would actually perish if someone, or something, were to come along and help it break out of its shell.

You might be experiencing a similar situation where necessary “muscles” are being developed from any obstacles arising along your path, allowing you to ultimately thrive.

Inspiration for the Day: “Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.” –Carol Burnett

 

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#12

Purpose means being part of something larger that is connected to others. While one cannot be fully authentic if they escape their inner truth, they must also be wary of becoming too self-absorbed.

Self-absorption, or naval-gazing, means one is so caught up with their own feelings and experiences that they can’t make time to comprehend what is happening for others. Moreover, they falsely assume that their experience is identical to another person’s—and that is rarely ever true. Two people have different feelings and experiences to the same stimulus in the same moment.

A paradox is that knowing oneself wholly—and the depth of one’s own feelings—is what allows a person to become more fully present, available, open, and curious about other people’s perspectives. When that happens, one’s purpose is able to to be more powerful as it enables a purposeful flow from one soul to another. Purpose needs more than one person. It is a gift from one being to others.

Inspiration for the Day: “We don’t accomplish anything in the world alone and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one’s life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that create something.” –Sandra Day O’Connor

 

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

 

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#11

Living authentically is the key to fulfilling one’s purpose. The challenge arises when we don’t have a sense of who we are.

One couple spent years singularly focused on the husband’s medical career and building their wealth. They were so consumed by building a grand home and sending their kids to the perfect school that they imploded and sought counseling for marital and personal help. They both felt lost, unhappy and expressed they were living a fake life that neither of them wanted. After personal and couples work that examined the various areas of balance in their lives, they blossomed into new people. New careers for each of them were a byproduct of getting in touch with their deeper soul’s truth. They were also able to grow closer as a family.

Inspiration for the Day: “We are constantly being invited to be who we really are.” –Henry David Thoreau

 

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#10

What happens after you try to pursue a dream and fail?

First, what are the conditions that you deem your pursuit a failure? Is it other people’s opinions and/or rejections? Is it monetary circumstances? Competing family obligations? Ill health or physical limitations?

The first definition of failure was from 1643 and it meant an omission of performance or action. If you tried something and learned it is not for you then it is not a failure, however, if you’ve learned that you still feel a yearning in spite of an obstacle then not pursuing a creative way to reach your goal IS a failure. Keep trying!

One former athlete who lost his dreams of playing professional baseball after a debilitating injury discovered he could still fulfill his love for baseball by becoming a sports psychologist.

Inspiration for the Day: “Failure serves a purpose—it asks us if we want to go on making things.” –Clive James

 

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#9

Are you measuring your worth by the money you make, the importance of what you do or the applause from other people?

We all depend on a certain level of income to provide housing and basic needs. Having a sense of contribution can enhance our self-respect. Having positive feedback from others can be extremely valuable as it reinforces a sense of belonging and our place among people. The difficulty arises at the extremes.

Emotional and spiritual health come when we realize we matter no matter what we’re doing. We realize every breath and each heartbeat is present in the work that we do. Nothing is too small or too great. We discover we are valuable—not because of money, perceived level of importance of our job, or popular support—we are most valuable when we allow ourselves to bloom as our most authentic self. Don’t try to be a rose if you are a tulip or a dandelion or an apple blossom. Bloom your innermost truth.

Inspiration for the Day: “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” –Lao Tzu

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

 

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#8

Bravery.

Daring.

Courage.

These are the hallmarks of a Soul’s escape from bondage—bondage of self-ridicule; bondage of other people’s opinions; bondage of the ego’s temptations to sate greed, pride, envy, lust, gluttony, and power.

When you find yourself in the very human trap of succumbing to these ego foes and losing your sense of purpose, think of what a firefighter instructs when caught on fire.

Stop, Drop & Roll.

To stop takes bravery. To drop involves daring to order to shed the pretense and pride of the ego. To roll involves the continual maintenance of courage to live one's truth.

When the flames of the ego have been extinguished, the Soul’s dreamer can be free to imagine, create, innovate, and fulfill its deeper purpose.

 

Inspiration for the Day: “Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” –Harriet Tubman

 

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#7

Comparing yourself to others is akin to death. It disconnects from self and the essential inner-guidance system that leads to purpose, meaning and living one’s truth. Comparing provides a distorted view of reality and reinforces an externally-driven life. When external motivations become the dominant driver of live, the essential inner-guidance recedes into the background.

Comparing yourself to others also sets you up for perpetual disappointment and self-loathing as you succumb to the greatest lie of all, “You’re not good enough.” Externally-motivated people attempt to cover up the lie with desperate attempts to make their life look good to the outside world while they silently suffer on the inside.

Looking at others and pictures of people’s lives on social media and feeling immediately depressed or discouraged is a red flag that the dangers of comparing and external motivation are taking over.

Inspiration for the Day: “Stay in your lane. Comparison kills creativity and joy.” –Brene Brown

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#6

Finding our path often involves learning what doesn’t work for us.

Like flashing hazard lights, experiencing drudgery can alert us that something is wrong. Accidents and illness are other wake-up calls that can indicate we are not living the life we want to live. Status and monetary success often cannot fill the hole in one’s heart that hides another calling.

Numerous people throughout the ages have stories of living unfulfilled lives due to an inner urging that ached to do something different. Their powerful stories serve as heroic breadcrumbs for others as they tell of breaking away from a former life clothed in seeming comfort and jumping into an abyss of unknowns that ultimately led to self-discovery and a new soul-rewarding vocation.

Some paths led to lives as research scientists while others were artists, public servants, teachers, inventors, ministers, volunteers, healers, diplomats, and more.

Inspiration for the Day: “Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.” –Aristotle

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#5

Sometimes our biggest enemy stems from fighting the reality that is right in front of you.

If something is really bothering and upsetting you in your life right now, take a pause and breathe deeply while imagining that everything in your life at this very moment is there to teach you something—or for you to help someone or something in your world. Keep breathing into any area of your life that is causing you tension. With each breath in, imagine sending love and healing to that person, place, situation, or thing that is causing tension. With each exhale, consciously release the tension. Continue until you feel a lightness and appreciation for this very moment.

Cultivating a mindset of wonder and curiosity can fill you with gratitude. From gratitude comes a heightened sense of freedom, acceptance and love.

Inspiration for the Day: “Healing in ho'oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone…you do it by healing you.” –Joe Vitale

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#4

Fear has many disguises. It is one of the biggest causes that deter people from identifying and pursuing their personal purpose.

Fear is the voice that tells you you’re not good enough. It challenges you to play it safe and be grown-up. It dismisses dreams and inner desires as silly fantasy or delusion. It even tempts you with endless preparation distractions like continued education, training, classes, and seminars on top of already attained education.

Fear can also take you to a living hell as it lures you into disconnecting with your inner self and others through escapist behaviors on the addictive spectrum such as, alcohol, drugs, sex, love, technology, work, exercise, food, and media.

Inspiration for the Day: “One of our problems today is that we are not well acquainted with the literature of the spirit. We’re interested in the news of the day and the problems of the hour.” –Joseph Campbell

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#3

Where do you fit on the scale of people pleasing? How does it impact what you do in your career and your relationships?

Belonging is fundamental need, so doing anything to disrupt one’s state of belonging can be frightening. On the other hand, seeking to make others happy at the expense of your deeper convictions can only lead to resentment and grief. This can often be seen when trying to fulfill a parent’s wishes over one’s real desires.

Like all things, there is a continuum to pursuing one’s own interests and serving others. Ironically, it can be just as selfish to sacrifice and make others happy because you want them to like or approve of you. Check in with your motives and seek behaviors and goals that align with your vision, values and enhance your self-respect.

Inspiration for the Day: “Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment, and especially on their children, than the unlived life of a parent.” –C.G. Jung

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#2

Momentum is fantastic unless you are in a rut and find yourself going through the motions. Generally, it can also be a wake-up call that you are not in the present moment.

Living in the present can help you be in the “now” and better connect with others in the moment. What is this moment teaching you? How are your feelings in this very second influencing you? What is your body telling you?

Anxiety multiplies when ruminating about the past and focusing on fears of the future. Anxiety and related depression tend to diminish when we take deep breaths and fully awaken to the now.

Try making small changes to your routine to re-engage in the moment. Brush your teeth with the opposite hand if you can. Drive (or walk) a different way to your destination. Stretch your body between appointments. Take an inhale of a fragrant essential oil.

Inspiration for the Day: “Mindfulness isn’t difficult, we just need to remember to do it.” –Sharon Salzberg

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

30 Days of Purpose from The Key Essentials Day#1

Any day can be the start of a new year and a new beginning. Before jumping in and making resolutions for improvement, try checking in with yourself and assessing if you’re receiving what you want in your life.

 Is anything bothering you in your life? What purpose is it serving? Have you desired to do something yet been too afraid to pursue it? Is patience required in any area of your life?

One exercise is to document your satisfaction level with different areas of your life. Work, health, spirituality, time in nature, physical exercise, intimate relationships, friendships, family, home, where you reside, adventure, art, and rest.

After scoring, write down ten things that make you grateful. Even if it’s running water or simple things you take for granted. Once fully immersed in gratitude, review your assessment again and see if any of the scores changed. Pay extra attention to any areas that may have worsened. Potential solutions can be added to a third column. Then give yourself three-four months to re-review the list and see if circumstances have changed.

Inspiration for the Day: “Effective (people) have an identity. They know who they are, what they are capable of becoming, what they want out of life, and what is essential.” –Gerald Corey

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about purpose. As you remain quarantined during this COVID pandemic, perhaps you can take this time to evaluate your plans and cultivate a deeper Soul purpose in your life. 

Daily Inspiration Excerpt #30 (Creating a Sacred Space) from The Key Essentials to Balance

Creating a sacred space in your place can provide innumerable benefits as it can serve as a place of respite during chaotic times and provide a touchstone of peace for your soul.

Such places of refuge can be as large as an entire room that is dedicated to your own personal form of meditation and relaxation or it can be a wall or an area of a bedroom and/or office. It can be outside or inside—the only necessity is that it is easily accessible and a place you can turn your attention on a daily basis to pause, breathe, restore, and renew.

Examples of scared spaces may include a spiritual prayer room, a library, a wall housing a fish tank, an area filled with family and vacation photos and cherished objects that fill one’s heart, an art room, or a completely empty space possibly filled with a single candle.  You can do any combination of these things or something else that helps feed the higher parts of your heart and spirit.

Inspiration for the Day: “Your sacred space is an area where you can find yourself again and again.” -Joseph Campbell

 

Daily Inspiration Excerpt #29 from The Key Essentials to Balance

Detached love is a concept often described yet difficult to fully comprehend and possibly even more challenging to employ.

To understand detached love is to understand what it isn’t. Detached love isn’t aloof, nor is it clinging, controlling, or filled with expectations. Detached love is the free flow of loving energy that does not burden its receiver with unconscious demands to fill an empty space, to provide security, or to give steady streams of attention that builds the ego.

Consider this simple test: imagine giving a gift to someone and having them immediately discard it or give it away. How would you feel? Is there an attachment to the outcome of their actions? If so, then the gift is not free for it is given with unspoken expectations. Loving someone with detachment is to detach from their behavior. It is giving the gift of love freely. If you find you cannot detach from the other person’s behavior in response to your love, then it may not be a genuine flow of love and may have unconscious expectations to meet egoic needs that cannot be filled.

Inspiration for the Day: “Your heart must become a sea of love. Your mind must become a river of detachment.” -Sri Chinmoy

Note: This is an ongoing series to help provide support during these challenging times. These daily readings are part of an overall book on balance, which includes 12 essentials for maintaining balance to support resilience and your best self. The 12 essentials include mind, body, love, service, self, family, intimacy, purpose, environment/living space, nature, social relations, and spirit. This series is sharing 30 days of lessons about love. It will examine multiple aspects of love and provide knowledge and inspiration for hearts to heal and love to flow. It is designed as a daily reader to allow time to reflect, process and incorporate.